


This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time

by JJWay



Category: Marvel 616
Genre: Alternative Universe - University, Childhood Memories, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Parent Hate, Repeative, Routine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-28 06:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5082082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJWay/pseuds/JJWay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe he was crazy. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe it was the same thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time

**Author's Note:**

> I just really wanted to write something. It's not the best written thing in the world, but I like it because I didn't have to think about it. The words just flowed.

My eyes snap open as I wake up, as they always do in the morning. I slept light, I didn't dream and awaking came easy to me. I stare at the ceiling for a few seconds before my eyes roll over to the clock on my bedside table. 7:03. I always wake up within a ten minute radius of seven. A result of my body clock I suppose.

I pushed the sheets off me and throw my legs over the edge of the bed where I proceed to sit for a moment. Then as I did every morning, pad my way out of the bedroom and into the joint kitchen/living room that was the rest of my flat. I turned on my kettle, pulled out a cup and dropped in a tea bag and sugar. Then waited for the water to boil. As I did every morning.

Days often seemed the same. Wake up. Drink tea. Get dressed. Go to class. Go to lab. Come home. Eat. Drink. Study. Go to bed and wait for everything to restart.

It depressed me that this would always be my life. The only change would be changing class and lab with a job. I wonder what I'll do then with the time I currently spend studying?

I blink as the kettle clicks done.

"Morning, Victor."

Ahh, there he is, Loki Laufeyson, my chaos, my uncertainty, the ever changing variable in my ever constant life. He appeared at different times every morning. Sometimes I could leave before he'd rolled out of bed. Sometimes he'd be awake before me. He made my mornings different.

Sometimes he'd be in class, sometimes he'd turned up half way through and others he didn't turn up at all.

Loki's little differences proved I wasn't just replaying the same day.

This is why I kept him around. Why I loved him. I'd had him around since I was a child. For the past sixteen years I was rarely without him next to me.

"We should have sex," Loki states as he stretches his arms above and behind his head. We didn't do this yesterday.

I like change. Change was refreshing.

My parents were all about routine. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were served at the same times every day. Each day had it's own set meals. Spaghetti Bolognese was Monday's dinner. Pie and Mash was Tuesday. Stir Fry was Wednesday. Thursday was left overs from the previous nights, if there weren't enough left overs it was a sandwich. My childhood only knew seven different meals.

I wasn't sure if it was the feeling of my cock within Loki as I fucked him bent over the kitchen counter, or the excitement of the day already being different to the previous that had me cumming.

Class was as dull as ever. I learnt about things I already knew, that I already understood. Loki was sat next to me today. He chatted aimlessly away to me, but I didn't say anything back. I just stared as my lecturer spoke, but none of his words reached my ear.

I was home schooled growing up. My lessons would start at the same time each day, weekends included. Each lesson started with my mother setting an egg timer. When the time was up, so was the lesson, not a minute over.

I never waited for Loki when I left class, he'd catch up eventually anyway. "Can't we start taking a more interesting subject?" Loki asks when he was suddenly next to me. I don't reply, I very rarely do when we're outside our flat. "Maybe psychology? I think I'd be good at that." Of course he would. Loki had stacks of psychology books. We didn't take it as a subject, we already knew everything we needed to.

"Hi," a black haired girl greets as we past her in the halls. Like she did every day.

"Hi Morgan," I reply, but didn't stop to further the conversation. We never did.

"So you'll acknowledge her but not me?" Loki asks, throwing his arms towards Morgan Le Fay's disappearing back. I hummed in agreement as I entered our next class.

Loki sat a few rows in front of me.

My father would come home at ten past six every night and give me a new medical journal to read. He wanted me to be a doctor like him. Loki wanted me to invent. To do something original.

After class we met up with Namor at a cafe near the University campus. Like we did every Tuesday. Namor was the first friend I made after Loki. After I started University. Loki didn't like him.

Loki didn't like my parents. I didn't like my parents. Loki made me go against their wishes of going to study medicine like my father had done. Instead we signed up for classes in robotics and engineering. My parents had always hated Loki.

Today Namor was telling us about the girl he was recently fucking. I sat in the corner of the booth on the opposite side of Namor so that Loki could lay his head on my shoulder. "Have you not thought about getting a girlfriend?" Loki glared instantly.

"No he hasn't," he answers for me before angrily standing from the table and storms away.

"I'm happy with my current relationship status." Mine and Loki's relationship wasn't exactly 'dating'. We just did everything a couple did.

"You need a woman," Namor continued anyway, "with big breasts and thick thighs ready to ride your cock."

"No, I don't."

I had been 15 the first time I had sex with Loki. I'd never been with anyone else. I didn't like the thought of being with someone else. But other people wouldn't understand.

"I hate him," Loki says as soon as we re-enter our flat, "why is he always like that? Like he refuses to acknowledge our relationship?" Loki angrily threw off his jacket before storming into the bedroom.

"I can't imagine." I drawl as I open the cupboards in search of tonight's meal. Loki continues to march around the flat complaining as I cook dinner of pasta and sauce.

I dish myself up a plate and go sit in front of the TV. It's awhile before Loki dejectedly comes and sits besides me. "I prefer it when it's just the two of us."

"Me too," I say vaguely. Somehow times were simpler when it was just the two of us. I didn't have to hide anything. "What should I do about Namor?"

"Tell him to fuck off, you're with me and I'm enough."

Loki leaned on me throughout my study time, reading my book out loud for me. Occasionally inputting answers for me.

Loki occasionally joined in with my lessons growing up. My mother never liked that. Loki liked to tell me which letter began with each word. L for lesson, he'd say. V for Victor. L for Loki. I already knew how to read and write by this point, but I enjoyed the simpleness. My mother didn't. M for mother. My mother thought it was a waste of time, and I should focus on my work if I wanted to be smart like my father. W for work. I tried explaining to her that Loki couldn't read yet. My mother told me to get back to work. B for bitch.

We went to bed at the same time as we always did. I often woke up in the middle of night though, hearing Loki banging about. Tonight was no different. I got out of bed to find him dancing across the living room. Such an odd sight. I don't know why he did such things, and I hadn't bothered to ask him since were kids. He used to say 'spontaneity' and now I just thought he was crazy.

I guess we both were.

My eyes snap open as I wake up. 6:58 my clock reads today. Loki rolled and groaned as I got out of bed. The rest of the morning was robotic, as it would be. A routine I'd done many times. No longer had to think about it. Loki wasn't out of bed by the time I left for class.

"Afternoon Victor." Reed greeted. As he did every day. I never replied, so I don't know why he still bothered. Reed Richards wasn't a friend. I despised him. Loki liked him. Loki found him amusing. But Loki was like that, he often liked the people I hated, and hated the people I liked. The two of us were very different. I wonder why we were still together.

I spend the rest of lab working on my current project while Reed ranting about his. If Loki was here I might have listened to him. Reed was smart, but he was very arrogant about it. Loki often said that we were one and the same, and that was why I hated him. His parents had been the same as mine, pressuring us into intelligence. Except he had clearly taken it better than me.

Reed didn't have a Loki.

By the time I reached ten I realised it was best to keep Loki and my parents separate. Loki said I was stupid for only just realising. So Loki didn't join me in my lessons anymore. My mother was grateful. She said she was proud of me for growing up. My mother said I wouldn't have gotten anywhere with Loki around. My mother said that Loki was a bad influence. Loki said that he wasn't the bad influence in my life. Loki said that if my parents kept putting these pressures on me I'd go crazy.

I came home to find Loki surrounded by books and paper. "What are you doing?" I ask as I dump my bag on the kitchen counter. What's for dinner?

"Psychology. Can I practice on you?" Loki asks me with a smiling face.

"No." I answer flatly. Dinner now and then studying.

"Scared?" I frown in his direction. "Afraid I'll under cover something dark and troubling?"

"You already know my mind, Loki, I just don't want to hear about it." Not out loud. Saying it made everything weird and troubling. It was best to ignore the elephant in the room.

When I asked Loki how I'd know if I'd gone crazy, he merely smiled at me.

Namor asks me if I want to go out drinking with him. I mostly always say no to him, but sometimes I say yes. Just for the change. Loki didn't like me going out with Namor. Firstly he didn't like Namor. Secondly he didn't trust Namor. Loki didn't trust Namor not to get me drunk and fucking a women of his choice. Loki said he didn't want me to enjoy it. To come back to him and find him inadequate. Loki was scared that I would no longer find the feel of him enough. I told him he didn't have to worry, that'd I'd always love him, and he'd always be enough.

I didn't know if I was lying or not. So Loki was unsure, because I was unsure.

Loki had always been interested in Psychology. Loki would often tell me about different medical disorders. My parents didn't mind this. Loki once told me about Phantom Pain. Phantom Pain is when something hurts you but isn't really there. Phantom pain often refers to people who can feel pain in a limb that has already been cut off. Loki says that as far as the primary somatosensory cortex is concerned, there's no difference between a real or imaginary touch. Loki then went on to wonder is someone can get Phantom Pleasure.

I didn't like going out with Namor. It always seemed like a good idea until I was actually there, surrounded by people that disgusted me. All in their early twenties. Men with too much cologne. Women with too little clothing. Men grinding against women. Women barely dancing in a group. It smelt of sweat and alcohol in here.

So I drank, I drank until the environment I was in became bearable. I drank until Namor's rambles became funny. I drank until Morgan turned up. I drank until Morgan became attractive to me. I finished drinking when Morgan dragged me out the club. Back to the dorms she lived in. Then into the room she slept.

I was 13 when I had my first sexual experience with Loki. It was out of curiosity more than anything. Loki had touched me and I had responded. I had let him play with my dick in interest, watched him smirk as I twitched in his hand. Moaned my first moans of pleasure as he moved his hand up and down. But as I came on myself with my hands clenching the bed frame, it was the first time I wondered if there was something wrong with me.

I couldn't get hard as I made out with Morgan on her bed. I didn't feel the same sense of urgency as she dragged my shirt off. I didn't feel a twinge of excitement as she pressed her breast against my chest. I didn't moan as I always would with Loki.

I tried to think of Loki. Morgan had green eyes and black hair, just the same Loki. I could just pretend this was Loki in a female form. But it didn't feel the same. And I eventually pushed Morgan away.

I told her I was too drunk to get it up.

Morgan stared up at the ceiling with her black hair splayed over the pillow and started to laugh. "It happens to the best of us, sweetheart." She smiled drunkenly at me. "Stay with me until I fall asleep?"

Loki wasn't there when I got back to the flat. It wasn't an odd occurrence. However, part of me told me it had something to do with me going out drinking. To do with me trying to have sex with Morgan. Loki was pissed.

I went to bed alone. I didn't like this type of difference.

My eyes snap open as I wake up. 7.08. I take longer to get out of bed today. In fear my stomach will come up my throat if I move too quickly. I turned on my kettle as I do every morning, but the sound of it boiling creates an ache in my head. I close my eyes and wait for the click.

I open my eyes to see Loki standing opposite me. A furious expression on his face.

"Morning Victor." I tried to look him in the eye and not his current maddening smile. "Nice night?" I don't reply. He knows how my night was. "Did you have sex?" I didn't need to answer, but I did. I told Loki how I couldn't get erect.

But Loki already knew this. Loki knows this because I know this. In the same way that I know Loki walks out of the room smirking without seeing his face.

Loki once told me about Tactile Hallucination. Tactile Hallucination is when you have a sensation of physical contact with an object that isn’t there. Loki says it's what Phantom Pain falls under. Another example is when someone feels bugs under there skin. Or when a ghost hunter says they felt something put a hand on them. Loki says it's all Tactile Hallucination. I asked my father about this, and he said that Tactile Hallucination was common, and that most people would experience it at some point. Loki said I probably had nothing to worry about then.

I decide to spend the rest of the day curled up on the sofa. It's not long before Loki comes and joins me. I tell him I love him. I tell him he means the world to me. But I tell him this isn't healthy. I tell him he shouldn't be my only sexual experience. It's unhealthy. I tell him I should be able to have sex with people like Morgan. It's not the first time I've told him this. And like he had done previously, asks me if I want him to leave, with a calm expression, because he already knows the answer.

Loki knows the answer, because I know the answer.

I moan loudly that night as I fuck Loki in our bed. I watch him with lust filled eyes as he arches his back beneath me. I hear his pants of pleasure. I feel his fingers on the back of neck and running through my hair. I smell the sweat and heat we're producing. I taste him as our lips connect. But the whole time I know it isn't real.

I was ten when I angrily told my mother I didn't want to study today. I told her I wanted to play with Loki instead. My mother calmly told me to get my books, and that I could play afterwards. I told her she wasn't being fair, that I didn't have to study everyday. My mother told me not to argue with her. Her patience now running thin. I continued to argue anyway, and when I screamed 'no' at her, she slapped me round the face. I held my cheek with tears in my eyes as she shouted, "I won't play this game with you anymore Victor! Loki isn't real!"

Loki's not real. Loki was never real.

Of course I already knew this. I had always known this. I just didn't want it saying out loud.

Loki liked to say, there could be anything in the dark until you're standing in the middle of it and find nothing.

They tell addicts that the first step to solving a problem was admitting you had one. By that logic, if I admitted Loki wasn't real, I risked losing him. I risked my mind healing.

Loki smiled up at me as I lay next him. I never wanted to be without him, but I knew I couldn't continue this forever. But I won't concern myself with that now.

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe Loki'll be real tomorrow. I hope Loki'll be real tomorrow. I hoped, as I always did.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd wanted to write a story with this 'plot' for a while, and then I watched Fight Club, and I had to write a story like this.  
> I love this style of writing. If you haven't read Fight Club, I suggest you do. I'm bad at reading books. The last book I read took me three months and I read Fight Club within 24 hours. It's only a little over 200 pages but still :)


End file.
